Over-Thinking
“I’m so nervous. I can’t stop thinking about it. What’s going to happen?”
Overthinking can feel awful, even like something’s wrong with us. This is our brain going through a normal process though. We are built to be productive and solve external problems. If we see puzzle pieces coming together, we typically want to finish the puzzle.
Our sympathetic nervous system was built for speed…to survive now.
This is reactive and for imminent crisis.
Our logical brain was built for accuracy…to survive smarter.
This is preemptive and helps us design our survival.
These two working as a team…they’re a powerhouse. However, compared to the wild, so many of us in the United States are not hanging on the edge of immediate danger. And, these two get twisted up and overused too often.
Even living in lower risk now, we’re still built to scan for possible threats, and survive them. Even though there’s no need for an immediate answer, we still get tangled and tricked into feeling like we’re being hunted and need to solve it now (especially if we’ve had childhoods, adult relationships, jobs, or power-over regimes that have manipulated our nervous systems to believe that something “out of place” is an imminent threat).
For example, if we are laying in bed, and we notice our throat getting a tad sore, and our reactiveandpreemptive survival systems become jumbled and triggered:
“Oh no! We have such a busy week coming up! We can’t get sick now! Everything will go to shit!”
“Woah, that was a scary thought.”
“Yea! Because it’s true, we need to prevent this catastrophe!”
…oh, I can hear my solution brain is online and trying to help me here… “Hey, I appreciate you. Our productivity together makes us so successful. Right now though, we are moving a bit too fast and far. We are still in the unknown’s dimly-lit room, and we just have one, odd puzzle piece that may or may not fit into the puzzle we are making. I don’t want to make a puzzle in the dark…all choppy, rushed, and helpless. If the threat was looking more imminent (like labored breathing or something), then (as you do) you’ll ring the alarm bell, we’ll have a better idea of the puzzle we are looking at, and we’ll show up together to plan our action. But, since the risk is low enough for now, let’s allow our experience to play out a bit longer before we make a choice.”
“I mean, I hear you…thanks for appreciating what I bring to the table…but, my thought of everything going to shit was really scary, and now, I don’t know what to do with that.”
“Yea, that was a scary leap into a dark, distant, and daunting place. I’m scared too… so, let’s do this together. Lean into that fear and be present with me.”
“Woah! Oh no! Too intense! I need to control this!”
“I’m here. I trust you’ll be okay if you let the wave hit. What do you notice?”
“There are a bunch of scary visuals of that possible reality. I want them to stop!”
“Notice all of that…that’s what we’re facing. Let’s keep pushing in.”
“Woah, I let go and allowed the scary visuals to pass through…and, now I don’t feel alone…and, now I’m less triggered...and, actually, now I’m noticing how easy it is to hear you: ‘the threat is low...we can give time and space to let the story unravel a bit...even if the potentials are unknown and scary…we have each other and we can be patient to let this play out before we try to officially solve anything.’”
It is normal and totally okay to survive. That is our #1 priority as an animal. If we know (with an evidence-based puzzle piece) that we will be fired, lose our partner, or die, then our nature will fight hard to stay alive. So, bravely lean into that survival experience, get strategizing with our productive brain, and find our way to safety. Then, when safe again, it is important that we move away from fight, flight, freeze, and fawn…and, it is important that we move away from productivity.
When we stay, prolonged in this survival state and reactive productivity, our body, mind, and relationships steadily deteriorate over time…as well as our ability to have a say in our lives. So, it’s important to know how to slow everything down again…in a secure, compassionate, and direct relationship…helping us feel safe enough to let go into our natural flow of experience again.
It’s also important to note that when we scare ourselves into action, our productive part isn’t built to help us alleviate our fear. We hear it all the time to stop fixing our partner’s problems and just stay curious and listen to them. It’s true: internal experiences need to be moved through by noticing them, accepting them, and allowing them to exist in our present experience. It’s not about fighting our demons (or solving them)…it’s about noticing these experiences inside, calling them out of the shadows (into the light), and being willing to feel what it’s like to be around them.
If we can sit with our “demons,” shine a curious light on that experience inside, and be with them, we can create a safe and slow space where we learn their true intention…and, find a new path where that intention’s energy doesn’t destroy us anymore…a path that serves us…towards the person we want to be in our life.
