Lovable, Flaws and All
Are we (just as we are) enough to connect with? As strange as it sounds, this question taps into a survival need. If we don't belong in our communities, we cannot survive (especially as children - which is when our nervous systems learn most of our ingrained emotional truths - creating emotional triggers in our adult relationships). If we see that we aren't worth connecting with, we will go into a survival state: fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
Survival states take us away from being present with our emotions, logic, behaviors, and relationships…and steal our functioning to focus solely on safety and survival. When we cannot connect to our and others’ emotional experiences in this state, we feel unseen, unimportant, distant, and alone, which further entrenches our nervous system in that survival state.
A really common way that we put ourselves in a survival state is by believing that each behavior of ours hangs us in the balance of being enough or not enough to deserve love and connection.
Like, if you work really hard to get an award, and you succeed, then yea, for sure let's celebrate, you deserve to feel proud and happy and all the good-feels of your hard work paying off. That doesn't mean you are more worthy or lovable as a human being than the others who didn't get the award. We are all in this together, and yet, you obviously worked your ass off, so let’s party.
Also, if you have a rough day and snap at me, then you'll feel my distance, fear, and sadness because I'll share that with you, then you'll feel some natural pain and guilt, you’ll support me in not feeling alone as you own the impact you have on me and we get to know each other better, which will create repair and bring us back to feeling connected and on the same team again. But, flipping your lid doesn't mean you’re less worthy as a human being than others who didn’t get angry at their friends at that very moment. You messed up. I’ll mess up later. Let's work through that together. No one needs to feel alone because we caused each other pain.
On one side of our self-relationship, we are always enough to deserve connection and love (flaws and all), AND (on the other side of our self-relationship) our behaviors do have impacts, some that create wonderful, positive vibes that we deserve to lean into, and some that create harmful, negative vibes that we deserve to lean into. Both sets of behaviors with their various impacts need to be owned and felt for us to create closeness with ourselves and others, which ultimately provides our nervous system the evidence that we are worthy of connection and love despite our actions.
How do we put this into practice? The first step (per usual) is awareness. It is fairly easy to notice when we default to the belief that "we are unlovable when we are flawed":
It can be seen when we accomplish something and we finally feel worthy, or (more likely) we feel better than others because of that success (superiority complex: over-exaggerating our importance).
It can also be seen when we expose an imperfection or mistake and we feel our worth vanish, or (more likely) feel worse than others because of that failure (inferiority complex: under-stating our importance).
We sometimes default to one of these complexes, or flop between both throughout the day…or from moment to moment.
The next step is catching these moments, and pausing. Here is the moment where we usually jump to react, fix, and get as far away from this feeling as possible. It won’t destroy you though. Feel it. Accept yourself fully in that moment so you have some space to be with yourself.
You can say:
“Woah, I can tell that I believe I'm unlovable when my flaws are exposed…and, that I’m only lovable when I do everything correctly and successfully.”
Shine a light on the shadows. And, if it suits you in a later moment, show up with yourself in this new belief:
“Hey, I'm flawed, and that is a part of me being human. It's my unique quirks that make me most lovable because these imperfections allow for deeper connection (since all of us are unfinished), my mistakes allow me the opportunity to grow and learn more about someone else's experience, we'd all feel alone and rarely feel close if I kept chasing perfection.”
And then, give something new a try:
“Hey, I know we are scared to step into this vulnerable way of being, we may get rejected, we may get blindsided by pain...please know that if anything overwhelming happens, we will navigate that with compassion and show UP for whatever needs arise at that time together, so let's give it a try (keyword: TRY), and if we don't see the rewards and the evidence of feeling enough to connect with, then let's go back to the perfectionistic option where we are stuck in a never-ending survival state.”
And, as we try, and the evidence grows, it will become easier and easier to be as grounded as we can possibly become in the overwhelmingly solid and stabilizing fact that we (the unique human we naturally fall into everyday) are lovable…
flaws and all.
When we experience evidence that we’re lovable (flaws and all), our protective nervous system is more willing to let go...allowing us to be present and confident (just as we are).
The evidence that we’re worthy of connection (no matter what) is experienced when we take the courageous step to move through a flaw:
First, notice our mistake...or that something feels off in the relationship.
“Whoops...I’m rushing.”
Then, be courageous and acknowledge it out loud (in a way that shows we’re open to owning our imperfections).
“Hey, I notice you’re quieter than usual, and I know I’ve been in such a rush.”
Then, ask them what it was like experiencing our flaw (reminding ourselves that even when listening gets painful...the pain is helping us connect to how they are feeling and helping us naturally grow as a person)
“What is it like on your side when I’m in a rush like this?”
As they share and we get confused, ask more curious questions. If we think we get it, reflect back to them what we’re hearing, so we can accurately understand their experience (the safer they feel through this process, the more honest they’ll be, and the more honest they are, the more connected we will both feel afterward).
“That make sense...when I get agitated that you aren’t matching my rushed energy, you start to feel like you’re not enough for me...and then you get quiet because you’re protecting yourself. That sounds scary and lonely. I love this tunnel vision ADHD part of me at times, but when I’m around my own focused energy for too long, there is minimal room for my humanness too. So, thanks for saying this, I need this part of me checked from time to time. I’m sorry my focus was so unchecked and you felt that way. Am I missing anything about you and your experience in all this?”
After leaning into the flaws and pains together, we typically see them starting to feel relief...as they feel fully heard.
When we both feel fully seen: flaws, pains, and all...this is where we connect...this is where we both realize that, no matter what happens, we won’t be alone.
When we repair like this and feel connected after a mistake, it’s at that moment we get concrete evidence and a deep sense that we’re worthy of connection (flaws and all).
Humans are naturally and unavoidably flawed. If we spend our time distracted by hyper-vigilantly hiding our naturally occurring and ever-flowing imperfections, we will live in a very lonely state of anxiety.
If we allow and show these wobbly parts of us, we feel significantly more connected to our own self...while also making it so much easier for others to connect with us. Even when we negatively impact each other:
“I need you. Don’t just say sorry to move on. Don’t abandon me with your shame spiral about how bad of a person you feel you are. Don’t create distance by yelling at me or criticizing me. Even if you hurt me...even if I hurt you. Let’s see each other in this.”
How do I get this concrete evidence that I’m worthy of connection if the environment or relationship I’m in doesn’t feel set up for this kind of conversation? It doesn’t even feel possible or allowed...
Unfortunately, it is really common to have a history of these honest conversations turning into more harm than connection...often because of how common it is (in our society) to have a turbulent relationship with imperfections...and hiding flaws leads to very protective and harmful behaviors.
Here’s a general example that I share with clients on how to move through the repair process with someone who has a turbulent relationship with their imperfections:
When asking that person how they feel, and they end up blaming, criticizing, and/or yelling at us (and we feel safe and resilient enough to stay connected), then say something like:
“I really want to know what’s going on, but I’m feeling disconnected with the way you’re sharing. What is happening for you?”
This can help because people often just want to know we care about them and we’re not going anywhere. However, if they keep pushing us away or we keep feeling attacked, the next step is to share something like the above statement again (to give their nervous system another chance to see our safe humanness).
But if we’re still not moving into repair, then they’re probably too dysregulated for connection and needing to ground back into safety, which means, our final step is to move into a firm boundary by saying something like:
“I am too disengaged and overwhelmed right now, I want to hear where you’re at, so let’s come back to this later.”
To really feel the evidence that we are worthy of connection...and, to free our nervous system from hyper-vigilantly attacking flaws, we need to experience the evidence of moving through and finding the other side of flaws and pains.
So, let’s try this in our own quirky and individual ways. And, if we want more experiential guidance from someone who knows our unique selves and nuanced contexts, the best option I’ve found is doing individual/couples therapy with a systemic-thinking, compassion-focused relationship therapist who uses a bottom-up approach (for example, EFT, IFS, SE, or AEDP).
So, if the next step is for us to be more honestly present in relationships, then I know I’ll need some inspiration to do this...because exposing my flaws is wildly scary for me. Here’s an example of how I try showing up for myself when that social anxiety hits:
“Being my natural and flawed self feels super risky. One reason is because this kind of honesty risks hurting others...yet, when I unintentionally hurt them, now I know how to repair, feel closer afterward, and naturally grow.
Also, this kind of honesty risks them not liking me...but, I am learning that it’s okay that not everyone does (there are too many unique vibes out there to flow with them all)...and, when I courageously allow my imperfections to be seen, I make it safe for others to be themselves too, and both of us being vulnerable naturally creates connection.
So, as I keep the fear of being rejected held close, I’ll do my best to embrace my flaws, honestly engage, and find my community.
At the end of the day, the people in my life do not need me to be perfect, they need me to be present.”
